I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
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Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I’m just playing devils avocado here
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good