Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
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*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
me refusing to leave twitter
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Good morning, Twitter x
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.