[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
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Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”