I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
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Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
The Assassin.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”