Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.