Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
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More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and