Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs