Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids