Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.