Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
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Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.