At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
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You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
R.I.P.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Introverted vegans go meetless
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Just a friendly reminder!
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.