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is this meant to deter me
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow