My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing