I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
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“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.