Lately I have the attention span of wait what
You Might Also Like
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Does it…does it take 3 days
pictures of spider-man
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.