My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.