♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?