Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
You Might Also Like
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
We need to put an American base on the sun
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Tough love is true love
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs