“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.