My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
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Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT