*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”