Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
God has left this place
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.