“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.