My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
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JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.