You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
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“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!