All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate