why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Do one person every day that scares you.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
m’lady
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything