Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
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They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Which wines pair best with gloating?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*