ok hear me out: Luigiana
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Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Breaking news:
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.