Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent