exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
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[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
fly smarter, not harder
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My Sentiments Exactly
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.