ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Harsh but fair
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Sing it!
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.