Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
You Might Also Like
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.