america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
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My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
early stone age tool
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
we’re gonna need another temp
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now