Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
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All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
What the hell happened here.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
inside you are two wolves
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.