friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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Cake!!
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.