Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?