Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
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Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I wish I could veto my bills.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Hitlers gonna hitl
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?