[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I think the cat got the dog high.
Human are so complicated
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???