“I’d like to speak with a manager”
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Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.