[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
*looks at you in batman voice*
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth