Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
my name if I was in the mob
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Harsh but fair
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
seems like a niche market
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST