Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
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[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us