Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Meow
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!