“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
You Might Also Like
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.