Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
No laws when master is gone
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.