NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Monica just destroyed the internet
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material