Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life