Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?