Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”